On to the finals

Boys

• Paul Jolley
• Burnell “Urkel” Taylor
• Curtis “Big Ugly” Finch
• Devin Velez
• Lazaro Arbos

Girls

• Janelle Arthur
• Candice Glover
• Angie Miller
• Amber Holcomb
• Kree Harrison

Paul and Devin both deserved to make it based on the quality of their voices, so I’m ecstatic that the voters chose them over Charlie and the other Care Bear kid. Janelle was the only even mildly questionable choice among the girls; I might have chosen Aubrey based on the latest performances, or Breanna based on being a total sucker for girls whose eyes are almost as big as their faces; but Janelle was a solid choice. The voters did a much better job of sorting the contestants than the judges did, if you ask me. Good job, voters, and please keep it up. Don’t listen to Nicki unless she proves that she swallowed her meds. Don’t forget to look under her tongue. Speaking of Nicki; I knew she had a big butt, but I had no idea it was (grunt with me..) that big. Did they hire her, give her millions of dollars, because J-Lo’s chair fit her butt perfectly? It’s a Cinderella story, people…

*Power Rankings*

10: Paul Jolley- He might not finish tenth, but he’s been the closest to getting dumped, needing a save from Jimmy last week. If he wants to make it deeper, he’s going to have to quit shaking like a Chihuahua under an air conditioning vent all the time. Rodney Dangerfield tugging on his tie inspired more respect.

9: Janelle Arthur– Her voice was shaky tonight, under no pressure; I heard the ugly sounds of her parking brakes a little bit. She’s been regressing the last few weeks, not to train wreck levels, but enough to make me nervous as Paul Jolley getting a tax audit. If she can get back to how she sounded early in the season, though, she could still recover her momentum – and win the whole thing.

8: Kree Harrison– Wasn’t she terrific tonight? She’s at her best when she’s relaxed and singing freely; tonight was the last night she’ll have that luxury until the tour. Expect her to be fantastic on tour, but don’t expect her to be consistent in the competition, when she is under pressure.

7: Devin Velez– He’s solid vocally, maybe questionable in his song selections. If, as Nicki told him to, he does every song in both English and Spanish, this is about where everyone will get sick of it. Remember kiddies, check under her tongue.

6: Lazaro Arbos– Sure, he could win. He could finish tenth, too. What we know about Lazaro and his chances:

– He is the weakest singer left

-Based on tonight’s results, the voters can tell a singer from a garden hose

Sooner or later it’s going to matter that Laz is a good, but not great, singer.

5: Amber Holcomb– She has the most vocal talent of any of these kids, but other than Lazaro she has the least experience singing under control, under pressure, and under the guidance of mean, harsh vocal coaches and an internet full of harpies and vipers. To go much deeper than this, she would need to crap out about a month of experience a day for the next couple of months. She’s going to be special in time, but she doesn’t have enough time to be special this season.

4: Burnell Taylor– He keeps growing on me. Hell, he could be this year’s Allie. Does the Allie have to be a female?

3: Candice Glover– Toss a hand towel over 2-4, they could come in any order. Candice might be more likely to win than Big Ugly, but she isn’t the top dog female like Big Ugly is the top dog male.

2: Big Ugly Curtis Finch– Johnny Mathis lives….. I’m starting to doubt him just a little; his last couple of performances, he’s gotten carried away with his late runs, and been wildly out of tune at times. If it’s just nerves, or in tonight’s case being too exuberant, it’s no problem. If it isn’t; if it’s a real weakness…

1: Angie Miller– Am I wrong, or is Angie poised to run away with it? She isn’t the best singer, Candice or Curtis have that covered. She isn’t the best story, Lazaro has that covered. She isn’t the most talented, Amber’s got that locked up. What she is…. she’s the best combination of all three positives and appears to be the only real instrumentalist left; plus she looks like a Pageant Queen, with huge, unfocused eyes that are almost hypnotizing. Add in her unshakable religious faith, the stuffing that comes from having to overcome being the musician with the worst hearing since Beethoven…. then shake, strain into a martini glass, and you have the next American Idol.